A dissatisfied student named Fern Dern has recently taken to the World Wide Web to air their grievances about the state of Smith College. In a several paragraph long rant, the student disparaged the college's party culture, dining system, social scene, one-ply toilet paper, and more.
Though we could not reach the original student, Fern, for comment, we also could not reach a single student for comment who knew who they were. None of the faculty willing to be interviewed knew who they were either.
The rant was posted as an infographic to the student's personal Instagram page, which was otherwise full of pictures of them posing alone in their dorm room. Most of their 264 followers seemed to be from their high school in Connecticut. Their location was tagged as Tyler House for every picture.
Our initial instinct here at the Paradise Ponderer was that this was a certified Catfish because no one seemed to know who they were, so we got down and dirty with some more detective work. Dern’s Snapchat was in their Instagram bio, so over the course of a year and a half we added them as a friend, slowly gaining their trust by occasionally posting a picture on our Snapchat story of a coffee we had an intern run out and get. None of us drink coffee so we usually just threw it out afterwards in the name of hard hitting journalism.
After that year of undercover work, we were finally ready to stake out their publicly-available SnapMap location. To our surprise, Fern was a frequent poster on their story, and yet their location never updated to a place besides Tyler House during our entire 108-hour surveillance. So unless Dern is spoofing their location (which we don’t know how to do and don’t get paid enough to explore the possibility of), they not only live in Tyler House, but they never leave, which gives them the perfect authority to not comment on Smith College’s incredibly boring social scene.
Thus, another mystery solved by the Paradise Ponderers. To join our detective unit, text APPLY to 36453.
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