At the start of this semester, Smith College removed its beloved to-go containers from dining halls and now requires students to exchange tokens for a limited number of Ozzis. This change was due in part to the excessive buildup of Ozzi containers abandoned in dorm hallways. Many Smithies have pointed out the absurd lack of work ethic and responsibility from their housekeeping staff. When asked, one Emerson resident on her way to the PVTA claims, “My housekeeper at home always picked up my dishes for me – right after she wiped my ass and read me a bedtime story. It’s called doing your job. Also, I’m being bullied for being straight, can you scissorfreaks report on that next?”
This change has not been well received by everyone; Smithies for Biological Warfare, a club founded in 2019, claims they no longer have an efficient way to attack their peers.
“It used to be so easy.” One member describes, “On Sunday, I would fill an Ozzi container with scrambled eggs, fruit, and ketchup. Then, instead of eating it for breakfast, I would leave it in my closet for a week, and by Friday I had invented a new strain of airborne bacteria.”
The airtight nature of an Ozzi makes it the perfect breeding ground for disease whilst protecting the creator from any side effects as it brews in their dorm room. Though these Ozzis are still readily available, Smithies for Biological Warfare are now limited to breeding two bacteria cultures at a time, and they are no longer able to deploy them as effectively.
“Half the fun was handing my fungal creation to a dishwasher making minimum wage during the breakfast rush. They had no choice but to take it and open it themselves while I made my escape. Now, they’re not just allowed to say no, they're required to. All my hard work goes into a vending machine, infecting absolutely 0 citizens.”
I point out to this sobbing student that somebody still has to clean out the Ozzis left in the machines, which seems to cheer them up considerably.
“I never thought of that. Thank you.”
Unfortunately, Smithies for Biological Warfare are not the only students affected by the new container system. Smith’s vast population of rich people who have never worked a day in their lives are facing the new challenge of cleaning up after themselves. The Paradise Ponderer has received complaints that the amount of time these students waste scraping food once a day can range from 5 to 15 seconds. This is time they can no longer spend studying to become the next Sylvia Plath or Nancy Reagan. I ask one of these students if she realizes this system came about due to her own behavior last year, to which she responds, “Yes, and frankly, I’m shocked and disgusted that my actions now have consequences.”
Smith Administration heard these students out, but ultimately decided that they just couldn’t risk properly staffing the dining halls or paying their workers a fair wage for the added workload. They announced that they have no choice but to keep using the Ozzi token system, but encourage students to continue handing the nastiest dishes they can find to dining workers instead of putting them in the dish racks where they belong.
More as the story develops.
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