Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s presence on campus (at the request of Speaker of the Mansion Kathleen McCartney) has sparked outrage both on campus and off, with protests meeting in the middle on Elm Street in front of the JMG. In a touching moment of unity, both sides of the aisle could be heard making misogynistic comments on Speaker Pelosi’s chest, as well as her various orifices and her status as a neoliberal feminist icon.
While self-proclaimed "Mommy" Pelosi explained to a prerecorded laugh track inside the JMG that oppression would not exist if only Smithies would just be “you-nique”, tensions began to rise outside as the protesting groups realized they also hated each other.
Girlboss Alert!
Seeing their chance to change hearts and minds, Smithies kicked off a rousing chant, bringing an inspired tear to our field reporter’s eye:
“We love whores! We love whores! Go lesbians!” The brave Smithies screamed and chanted for their social media audiences at Mike from Deerfield, a literal Nazi standing amongst the Libertarian and Republican protestors. In the activism world, this risky strategy is known colloquially as "being a silly billy".
In response to the inspiring chanting, the literal Nazis began to act like Nazis, subjecting passerby students to hate speech as well as getting physically violent, resulting in several Smith houses resorting to improvised shelter-in-place protocols to protect vulnerable students in case the crowd escalated.
(Campus Police unfortunately were unavailable to assist, as they had their hands full of students’ OneCards recovered in the Emerson Basement Raid conducted on Convocation night, and did not want to risk the possibility of losing their only lead. One officer described it as "the case of a lifetime" and went into incredible detail about the exhilaration she felt while trapping 30 naked college students in an unfinished basement by blocking the exits then yelling at them.)
Our reports confirm that TikToks of the students’ “savage clapbacks” towards the right-wing protestors went viral for 1.1 seconds before being replaced by a video of a cat throwing up to the beat of Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch”. Hashtag trending, hashtag Smith!
Upon being asked why they were making out and dancing in protest of Nancy Pelosi, who is (among being inside a windowless room where she cannot see or hear them) neither against gay marriage nor the villain from Footloose, one Smith student simply scoffed and handed our reporter a homemade zine. The zine, titled “Praxis”, consisted of a single skillfully drawn picture of an Amazon delivery truck exploding and a vulgar Tumblr username. The student then left, presumably having had their fill of activism and solidarity with their fellow Smithies for the week.
Under the noise of “We love whores!”, a lone Smithie could be heard yelling about rampant poaching of exotic birds—another hot button issue that Nancy Pelosi has nothing to do with. But one that intrigued our field reporter, nonetheless.
Inside JMG, Speaker Pelosi’s Ambien finally kicked in as she began hallucinating an audience of “girl-women Republican mothers” staring up at her and hanging onto every word of her pleas to strengthen the Republican party—the party she and 97% of Smithies are not in and have no power to change. She continued to ramble about nothing for 45 minutes, impressively managing to successfully filibuster the question, "How are you?".
President McCartney eventually ushered Pelosi off the stage, creating her second scandal of the day as she channeled RuPaul and sashayed away in her kitten-heeled red bottom Louboutins funded by fossil fuel investments. For the uninformed, her first scandal of the day was at noon when she bribed students into talking to her by handing out swinger-themed cookies (I stole 7 when her back was turned). No word on if she can fit in a third scandal before midnight, but our money is on not since it’s past her bedtime.
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Though Nancy Pelosi could not be reached for comment, we can assume that in true Smithie fashion she left our lovely campus with a degree she cannot read (she flunked Latin in high school), an inflated sense of self-importance despite no accomplishments to show for it, and above all, less knowledge of activism than she entered with.
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