Imposter Syndrome is a nonmedical condition first documented in the 2001 award-winning American documentary, Legally Blonde; symptoms include having crippling self confidence issues while also being a super genius. 80% of sufferers additionally suffer from the comorbid condition of “is a woman” and 10% of sufferers experience mild to moderate gastrointestinal issues.
Imposter Syndrome has been on the rise at Smith College—what once affected students within the 3.5–4.0 GPA range has now begun to present in students with as low as a 1.5, according to experts on the scene. In order to better understand these abnormal cases and possibly isolate the contributing factors, we recruited an anonymous 1.7 GPA Smith College student who claims to be presenting symptoms of Imposter Syndrome to outline their typical day of classes. If you recognize any details of your peer’s life, we ask that you respectfully preserve their anonymity. The unedited account is as follows:
Each morning, I wake up at 9:00am and open my window (so I can pass gas through the screen). I pick out my outfit then brush my teeth, comb my hair, and eat breakfast in the shower. I had to start doing my morning routine in the shower because ever since I contracted Imposter Syndrome, I can’t look in the mirror without calling myself a moron or saying out loud “Hey moron!” or “Why did you keep your copy of Catcher in the Rye from ninth grade English, Amanda? You brought it to your college dorm but you didn’t understand any of the thematic elements. Why did you do that?”
I put on my outfit in my room, making sure that nothing is on backwards or inside out since I don’t have access to a mirror for the sake of my self confidence. On my walk to class, I take a detour to the Starbucks on Main Street in order to counteract the symptoms of Imposter Syndrome by rewarding myself for all my hard work. When I get there, the barista will often have my usual drink waiting for me, since he knows I’m in a rush to get to class. I can recognize which drink is mine in the pickup section because it’s pink and he’ll write Amanda Dietrich on it, which is my full legal name.
After that, I typically arrive at my 8:30am with 15 minutes to spare, then sit in class for those last 15 minutes and finish off my drink. Usually the professor will ask me to speak after class, but I’m afraid that she’ll give me praise I don’t deserve so I slip out in the crowd of 10 students. On my way back to my room, I tell myself affirmations such as: “It’s normal to feel inadequate” and “The Conduct Board will never catch your plagiarism, Queen”.
For the next 10 hours I put on a Neutrogena face mask, online shop on SHEIN, and take a relaxing bath with a bath bomb in the Scales clawfoot tub. After that, I go to sleep.
Wow. Harrowing. If you suspect that you or a loved one may be suffering from Imposter Syndrome, you could be entitled to financial compensation. Please call the Schacht Center at 413-585-1260 for your free consultation, today.
In Additional News:
Northampton's Main Street Starbucks location will be closing due to suspicion of causing the Imposter Syndrome Outbreak. Anyone who has patronized this location in the past two weeks is advised to do 15 mirror affirmations and a power pose each morning to counteract the effects. Our apologies for the graphic—the Paradise Ponderer's art director was brained in a fatal water balloon accident on Mountain Day and took the morning off. We are currently having her investigate the details of her suspicious accident and how someone managed to insert a rock into a water balloon then throw it directly into her temple and face, or if she's just faking. As always, our tip line is open.
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