We recently had a subscriber write in about something called "Smith College", which they claimed was a historically women's college located in Northampton, Massachusetts. Here at the Paradise Ponderer, we only deal in the cold hard truth, and are formally asking that our subscribers stop sending in made-up leads.
We will not be made into fools. We know "Smith College" doesn't exist. We know you made it up, just like you make everything up. We're sick of the lies. There is no squid in the pond, there is no Parsons house, and above all, there is no Neilson Library.
You know what? Maybe it's best if we took a break right now, subscriber number 532. You're clearly not emotionally mature enough to subscribe without spreading all these lies and making things up.
And if you really believe "Smith College" is real like you're insisting, maybe you should see a doctor. Actually, you don't look so good. Do you need us to drive you to Cooley Duck?
What are you talking about? It's always been called Cooley Duck! Seriously, now we're getting worried about you, subscriber number 532. Are you feeling alright?
Oh yeah, really funny. The made up hospital is next to the made up college. Okay, now we're mad again. This isn't funny anymore. Lose our number, subscriber number 532.
Edit: The staff at the Paradise Ponderer has been informed that today is April Fool's Day, and subscriber 532 was enacting an elaborate joke. In the name of honest journalism, we are adding this addendum to make it clear to our readers that Smith College does not exist, and this was simply the unfunny joke of some nobody with a keyboard. You can rest easy tonight, citizens of Northhampton. Which is how it has always been spelled and if you disagree you're acting crazy.
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