Smith Admin Hands Out Ice Skates Engraved with “Don’t Skate on the Pond” to Curb Dangerous Behavior

A leaked prototype of the skates in question

Picture this: it’s a lovely winter day here at Smith College. The air is crisp, the sun is peeking out from behind big fluffy clouds, and you are young and bored. You and your friends decide to head down to Ainsworth, entering through the parking lot. You tell the beautiful Smithie behind the counter that you would like a pair of ice skates, please (adjusting 1.5 sizes down if only men’s skates are available). She gives them to you in exchange for your OneCard and you happily traipse off to Paradise Pond, lacing up your skates and pushing off the dock, making sure to pose with the STAY OFF POND ICE UNSAFE sign. You skate for an hour or two then return the shoes to the beautiful Smithie behind the counter, leaving with rosy cheeks to track down some hot chocolate.

Now stop picturing that. Because that’s bad, actually. According to Campus Safety, tens of people die each year due to frozen pond-related activity. Just last week, a young 52-year-old German man was skating on a pond just like ours in Baden-Wurttemberg when suddenly the ice cracked! The man crawled off the pond and then was promptly mauled by a bear. Do you want that to happen to you?

Campus Safety doesn’t. Which is why Administration has spent $400,000 (approximately 5.1 Smithies) commissioning custom ice skates, which the beautiful girl behind the Ainsworth equipment counter will begin distributing on Monday. Campus Safety hopes to save around 6 or 7 lives with this campaign to balance out the cost of manufacturing.