This is one money-saving trick the Lazarus Center won't tell you!
In miraculous news, all your involuntary eavesdropping has finally paid off as your next door neighbor Sarah has made the daring leap from smacking her fists on the wall and howling "All Too Well (Sarah's Version) (4-5 Hour or Until She Gets Dehydrated Version)" to attending therapy sessions from 6-7:20pm on Wednesdays.
"It's like I get all the benefits of therapy with none of the vulnerability," you tell reporters. "And let me just say, Sarah's therapist is the real deal."
With just two sessions-by-proxy, your productiveness has gone up by 8%, your self-esteem up by 31%, and your music down by 76% so that you can hear Sarah's therapist better.
"These walls are paper thin, which I actually hated until it started financially benefiting me," you say. "It is literally free to interpret everything Sarah's therapist says to apply to me instead, can you believe it?"
According to reports, Sarah's intimate and private mental health sessions are one of the best kept secret lifehacks on campus.
Sources say that the neighbor across the hall may be catching on to your eavesdropping lifehack, however, as she asked you two nights ago if you could keep your post-bong rip hacking fits to a more manageable volume past 2am.
"Maggie was definitely hinting to me that she could eavesdrop on Sarah, too, if she really wanted to," you say. "And I don't know how comfortable I am with that. It's very intimate for me to put a cup on the wall and listen to Sarah talk about her relationship with her parents, so to know Maggie is potentially hovering in the hall pretending to walk to the bathroom makes me anxious, which Sarah's therapist says isn't good."
To avoid feeling so surveilled and vulnerable, you're considering moving your therapy sessions out of Comstock by leaving your laptop pressed against the vent separating your room from Sarah's and FaceTiming it in Seelye.
"But Sarah's therapist says that I should care less about what other people think," you point out. "Which is really helpful advice for me and I think terrible advice for Sarah, since she has embarrassingly obvious mommy issues."
Next week, you plan to subtly orchestrate a fight between Sarah and her best friend, making the details as close as possible to your current spat with your roommate.
"If Sarah and I have the same problems, then that's even more cost-effective for me," you say. "It's honestly kind of selfish for her to spend so long talking about her dead childhood dog. What about my problems?"
When asked to comment, witnesses say that you're being really creepy and need to vacuum your side of the fucking room—now—because there are ants crawling all over your dirty underwear and they had better not come to my side of the damn room.
More as it develops.
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