Here at the Sophian, we have a reputation for finding and reporting the truth. For asking the questions others are too afraid to ask, and then answering them sometimes also. Today that question is: What exactly is the confessional for?
We begin our investigation by reaching out to all 7 users of the confessional. Unfortunately, only 2 responded.
User #3 reports that confesh is the only app downloaded on her phone. “It’s the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night. If I need to know if it’s going to snow today I’ll just ask confesh. If I’m taking a test and I need to know the exact value of cosine 45, I always get a response in 20 minutes or less. Confesh would never lie to me.” I ask if she’s ever heard of Google, but User #3 declined to comment further, as she was running late for lunch; Sessions dining was serving quesadillas that day.
User #6 claims that she never downloaded confesh in the first place. “One day it just showed up on my phone. I try to avoid it but every time I look at it I start feeling itchy and nauseated. One day, I was texting my friend about my break up, and I blacked out. I woke up days later to find that I had posted: girlfriend just cheated on me :( anyone want to eat me out to get back at her? drop a throwaway. The weirdest part is that like 10 people actually responded”.
I ask her if she ever followed up with any of them.
“That's actually how I met my current girlfriend. And the one who cheated on me.”
As a detective and journalist I’m intrigued, but as a misogynist I’m tired of listening to this whiny bitch so I ask her to please get out of my car. We’ll never find out what happened to User #6.
Several administrative departments at Smith have begun transferring their official filing systems onto the confessional. Just this semester, reslife has moved their noise complaint form to confesh, and next semester the school plans to have students choose their classes by posting their schedule in a thread. Whoever's comment lasts 24 hours without being reported gets to register. However, this doesn’t reveal the true purpose of confesh– to know this, we had to track down the inventor herself, Steven B Confeshing.
We found Steven chainsmoking outside of the Stop n Shop on King street. She looked deeply troubled, as if she had been haunted by something for decades. Hesitantly, I asked her about Smith Confesh. For dramatic effect, she stomped out her cigarette and sighed, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was never meant to be like this.” I ask what it was supposed to be, but she’s already starting to monologue. “It started 40 years ago. I just wanted to sell drugs to my classmates. That’s all this ever was. But I've created a monster. These dumb fucking smithies have ruined my app. You’re all so stupid. You’re pathetic. You, Juliet, author of this article who I am pointing at and talking to right now, you’re pathetic. I hate you.”
Though my conversation with Steven was short, I felt as though we really connected. She never said so, but I could tell she really liked me. I knew I had a responsibility to return confesh to its former glory. So here we are. If anyone wants to buy poppers email my throwaway fartbutt420@gmail.com
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